Bad News...

Where to begin?
We found out why we aren't getting pregnant.
I have polycystic ovarian disease...
It's a complicated hormonal imbalance that causes problems with ovulating.
It is unknown why women get it, but the most common theory is genetics.
I can't seem to find the right words to express how I feel about the whole thing.
To say it's been rough is an understatement.
Women with PSOD have a hard time conceiving - even with hormone treatments.
It is really complicated and takes a lot of different combinations of different drugs to get it just right.
It is still possible to conceive with it, but the odds are not in our favor.
I have been on Clomid for 2 months - going on month #3 with the dose doubled now.
It makes me feel so weird and not like myself. I feel SO tender and emotional.
I think I have cried at least once everyday since I have started Clomid and I get these severely intense stomach pains that literally bring me to my knees.
After this round of Clomid, we can keep trying different hormone combinations, or a surgery called ovarian drilling... doesn't that sound nice? Other than that - IV fertilization is the last option, but that costs like $14,000 each time you try to do it and it isn't even a for sure thing.
I honestly don't know how I feel about the surgery part, it is a risky procedure that is only like 20% effective and can leave you with a lot of scar tissue that can create a whole other mess of problems.
As of right now I am leaning more toward trying the different medications for a while and not doing the surgery. We really need to set limits on how far we are willing to go to try and make this happen.
Plus - my insurance doesn't cover any of this since it is considered infertility and thus draining our savings account.
I have never felt this truly sad before.
My heart physically hurts. I didn't even know that was possible.
I am trying so hard to have a positive attitude with all of this. I am constantly having to remind myself of all of our blessings and I constantly have to think of couples who are having a much harder time with this than we are. It is so hard to see people I am close with get pregnant - especially the ones who didn't even want to get pregnant but did anyway. I am truly happy for them, I am, but it is still hard and I ache inside for it to be my turn.
Kade and I have been carrying each other through this. I have been reading a lot of books on dealing with infertility and helping your partner. We are getting through it. I know I can handle anything with Kade right there. This has brought us closer than ever before and strengthened our bond.
Anyway, I don't really know what the future will hold for us right now.
We are considering our options and are open-minded.
This post is WAY depressing. I was debating on weather or not to even write it or not but then I decided that this blog is for me to express my feelings and for us to look back on our lives and remember the important moments that shaped us.
This is a very important moment so I had to write down my feelings.
I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember.
It is my biggest aspiration in life.
I am hoping for the day when I can tell my little one all about this and how hard we had to try for him or her to be ours.
What a beautiful day that will be.

A bunch of other stuff has happened this last month but it seems so unimportant compared to this so I'll save it for another post.
I am sad for now, but I will be strong soon.
I am grateful for:
1. My husband. No one has love like ours.
2. My job. I am so happy being a teacher.
3. Our home. I love our cute little cozy house.
4. My family. They have been very understanding and supportive. Especially my sister, Brittney. How do people make it through life without a big sister?
5. My friends. My new friends from work and Kade and I's old friends have been a great shoulder to cry on and a fun escape for us. This kind of experience has made me realize who my true friends are.

I am grateful. I am strong. I can do this.